Free To Be Me

For the past few months I’ve been dreaming about traveling and packing. Lately, the destinations have been closer to home and the packing not so frantic. I’m panicking in my nocturnal travels because there’s too much to do and not enough time. And in search for a message from my travel-dream-world, I’ve learned my packing has to do with transitions. And this makes sense.

Because with the last episode of The Canna Mom Show just one week away, I’m coming to the end of a journey.

This doesn’t mean I’m stepping away from the cannabis world forever, but it does mean I’m pausing. In the past, when I thought about pausing it felt like a toxic combination of indulgence and squander. I’m of the generation of women who thought we could have it all by leaning-in and never being idle.

But I find myself one year closer to sixty enjoying sitting more than I used to, and try to remember that’s a good thing. I know life on the other side of this transition will be something I can’t yet envision, but because I’ve lived to an age of hard-earned wisdom I know this pause is essential. Because without pausing we can’t take the time to appreciate where we’ve been and see all we’ve accomplished, which is essential to finding a new path forward.

There’s a saying that is used in the quilt-making-world when creating a quilt for practical and not artistic use, piecing for cover. Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing with the stories I’ve been piecing together since 2019, a way to show the world the practical side of cannabis. But more than that, on a very personal note, the podcast has given me a purpose and a community outside my family that I’ve been chasing for too many years.

I found cannabis not intentionally but maybe by divine intervention, I don’t know. She moved me forward, compelled me to use my voice to advocate for her, and I created a podcast to share her stories.

Of course, I hope The Canna Mom Show has added value by uplifting the stories about the women creating this new industry. I hope that’s the legacy. There’s power in the storytelling and there are so many more stories to share of the women building the cannabis industry, but I won’t be the one sharing them.

I’m saying goodbye to The Canna Mom Show and want to thank you for coming along for the ride. I will continue advocating for cannabis normalization and helping women who use cannabis, as that is how we will crush the stigma and influence public policy as the laws continue to change. There is much work to be done and I will continue to do my part.

And I know I am able to make this bold statement because I’m a woman who grew up in the free to be me generation with Marlo Thomas and Carol Channing and the other feminist icons on television and in music. The storytellers who influenced me and made me believe I could do anything. Without all the generations before me who made very difficult decisions to make life-changing transitions with a dream in their minds but uncertain futures I could not exist. And I used to feel that I was failing the brave women who came before me who had used their voices to change the world so that I could be born into the free to be me generation, but that’s not true.

I didn’t fail the feminist revolution, I am the dream.   

I’m a mid-century modern woman who was expected to go to college, earn a law degree, travel the world and have the freedom and independence no generation before me could not possibly have dreamed possible, but hoped could be true for the generations who survived them.

But I’m also a creator and a caregiver, and when I didn’t lean-in enough to have-it-all and failed as a monetized professional, it felt like failure. And I’ll admit that for many years my life felt incomplete - devoid of a greater purpose - because I couldn’t accept that being a caregiver of people, pets and places was enough.

Is enough.

The truth is that I’ve gotten what I wanted from my podcast adventure, and now I need to want something else. Maybe I’ll write another book, set up a quilt t-shirt business, volunteer more or maybe do all that and more. Regardless, what I am is a writer and have always been a writer, so thank you for reading my words.

Let me leave you with a short poem that sums up who I am, where I’ve been and what I know is true. And in this pause I will use my time to lean-out, have less, and figure out what being free to be me means to me now. 

I am a caregiver and a creator.

I am descendent from generations that fled persecution to find freedom.

Strong women who built worlds and inspired my independence.

I want to add value by caring for community and being me.

I am the dream.