Putting On My Pink Gloves

On the rare occasions that I leave my house these days I’ve developed a new habit before opening the front door. I close my eyes, inhale deep, and breathe. Then I put on the pink-gloves that were given to me by my recently deceased mother-in-law, leave the house my deceased father helped me purchase, and think about all the foundations of love that support me. Then I walk out, alone in the world with the belief that because I’ve been loved and am loved, I am never really alone. 

The truth is, my life in this uncertain time feels a lot like it used to. I’m back to being a stay-at-home mom. I haven’t worked outside my house in years and - because not only is my husband home but my kids are home too - the solitary nest I’d been slowly accepting as my middle-aged-empty-nest-future is now gone. Twenty-one years ago when my son became the center of my universe then followed a few years later by my daughter, I had thought my future would include a monetized value. But that never really happened. And although I found great purpose when I became Mom, a person I wasn’t sure I’d ever be, I was  rendered invisible. At least outside my own, little world.

Then my children left and I invested myself in this podcast and kept myself busy searching for a new purpose in life. I wasn’t happy, exactly, but I was grateful that my husband and I had been good enough parents that the lives we’d created were out doing their thing in the world.

But now they are back and I find myself sitting and staring these day just trying to calm the fuck down. Or, as my more ladylike mother would say, I take a lot of breaks. When I sit at the window of my office with a joint in one hand while staring at the tree in our backyard, I think about how this crisis is one of biology and maybe morality, and hope it will force us all to reconsider our priorities. The first being, our belief that caregivers are disposable but rich men are not. 

This us versus them mentality is disruptive and dangerous but has been used by powerful men to dismantle and distort for all of history. Harry Anslinger, a powerful man with a specific disposition, was allowed to demonize and criminalize the cannabis plant for his own powerful political desires, and his voice has influenced our negative attitudes toward this plant for far too long. 

Today, cannabis has the potential unite and  lead our country forward in the next American industrial revolution because everyone from Mitch McConnell to Bernie Sanders can see the benefit of it. Suddenly we have an opportunity to revive the economy by investing in a product that is creating jobs and industries right here in the United States. We don’t have the infrastructure, yet, to produce all that can be made from hemp and cannabis but we could. With 3-d printing and the infinite potential hemp has to replace plastic and paper, removing cannabis from the Controlled Substance Act and fixing the banking problems should be at the top of our countries priorities because it will be a part of the recovery solution.

There is a  quiet revolution in our midst and I think that the world is finally listening. Having failed to get what I want many, many, many times I know that pivots are possible with a shift in perspective and that perspective has made me an expert in what I used to call *transitions.  Our country is ready for this pivot. This is business, and my country, my America, has always been very good at making money. But we disregarded the beauty of old fashioned capitalism that gave opportunity to build wealth for all, and have given into the cynical belief that isolation is the best way to enjoy having lots and lots of cash. We are now a world without rules, where  the markets are decimated, unemployment is touching everyone, my bathroom has never been cleaner and my dog gets lots and lots of attention. It’s a nice world, in some ways, but one that is missing real order.

We are shutting down and slowing down and feeling downwardly mobile all in one swoop. Our communities are the foundation of this country and although I believe in local rule, it has limits during disasters and conservative values of limited government are now revealing their shortcomings and blind spots. We are in a time where mayors rule our world and smaller communities working together are keeping us together. But listen closely and you will hear the big structural changes in real time. In this attention economy things are changing, and although I am not where I thought I would be I can see this is an opportunity to rebuild in a better way. The first pitch is always the hardest but, honestly, it’s all a little torturous. This is a time for us all to pitch in and imagine a place that is better than what we have now. 

There is a misery in monetizing everything and a hypocrisy in devaluing the people who care for others. As we enter this era of reconsiderations and move toward a new order I hope the toxic fear spewing through our country will cease, eradicated by those of us who want a different future. I heard  Edi Osborne Of One Breath, a non-profit devoted to bringing consciousness and peace to the planet, speak on the Casually Baked  podcast about the butterfly effect of breathing together. This is something simple we can all do to both build a communal sense of purpose and make ourselves feel good. As we all slow down in this moment of universal crisis, maybe, just maybe, we can all breathe our way back into a place where we can all feel the foundations of love that have and will continue to support us, and know in our hearts that we are not walking forward alone.

* “Transition” my transgender friend pointed out to me  means something very different in her community. So I now say I’m great at pivots, not transitions .