The Choice
Annie sits in Charlie’s room, the only sound his heavy breathing and the only light from the muted screen projecting Fox News on the far side of the room.
“I hate to see you like this, daddy,” Annie says leaning in close to Charlie’s bed. “I missed you, you have to believe that and I’m sorry. But I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.” Charlie’s breath sounds heavy to Annie and her own heart misses a beat when she hears the faint rattle in his chest that stirs him to open his eyes that shine bright on her.
“I missed you too, kid.” And he winks as Annie helps him sit up with the pillows fluffed behind his head. “How did I get so old? I was your superman.”
“Still are,” Annie answers as she sits back down and lays her head on Charlie’s chest, feeling his fluttering heartbeat. “Sounded like you were having a nightmare earlier?” She says cautiously, sitting up and taking his hand. “You were muttering and shaking when I got here this morning.”
“Yeh, well, I’ve been having the same dream, for a few days now,” he answers, shaking his head slightly to release what he feels. “Real vivid but not sure what it means. I’m driving, sometimes you’re with me but sometime you’re not, but for some reason I can’t find my way back to Cambridge. And it always ends the same way, with me driving you to Brookline, the same way we drove that day,” he almost stutters, allowing his dream images to fall over his words. “You know, the day I drove you to Brookline for . . .,” drifting off without finishing the sentence.
“The abortion,” Annie answers as she slumps in her seat, folding her arms to protect herself from the remembering and the feeling of the awfulness of that day when she was just twenty years-old.
“I never asked, and you don’t need to tell me, but I’m an old man and I won’t tell anyone.”
“Other people already know.”
“Mmm,” is all Charlie can muster.
“You never asked so I didn’t think you wanted to know.”
He feels the grimace contort his face with the realization that her words are true, but allows himself the humility not to take offense. “Well, I want to know now.”
“OK, ask away,” Annie says with a small sigh, sitting herself up in the chair next to his bed so her knees touch the soft side of his mattress.
“Was the dad, you know, did he know?”
“I don’t know.” Annie pauses, knowing exactly what else he wants to know but not offering it up too quickly, allowing Charlie space to absorb what she has shared and carefully watching his face for her opening to speak again. “But what you really want to know,” she says leaning closer to Charlie’s bed, “is who I had sex with so I needed an abortion?”
He nods and allows his eyes to close.
Annie sits back and taps her finger on the side of the chair as she decides where to begin, how to begin with the story she thinks he already knows. “It wasn’t just a one night stand,” she says quickly, feeling her center tightening around the wound he left inside of her. “He wanted to marry me, once, you should know that. When I came to you that morning begging for a ride I was filled with shame,” she says quietly feeling the pain of that long-ago day. “I was so grateful you didn’t ask too many question and agreed to drive me without telling Mom.”
Charlie nods with his eyes open as she takes his hand and leans her head down on his shoulder. “You needed me, and I love you, Annie. I didn’t ask too many questions ‘cause I could see you were upset. Better for both of us, I suppose, I probably would’ve wanted to hurt whoever hurt you.” He grunts a small sound and Annie lifts her head from his shoulder.
“I didn’t want you to hurt anyone, besides we were both wrong,” she says quietly, feeling the wish to run from the room but knowing the shame she has carried isn’t a burden she wants anymore. She pulls her hand from Charlie’s and turns her gaze to the Fox newscaster, the glow of the screen somehow soothing. “I gave him something I thought he needed. I thought I could convert him into someone more like you.” She smiles to herself but there is no joy in her half-closed eyes. “But I was no competition for his love of the Church.”
“Lorenzo?”
“Of course.” The noise Charlie emits confirms he’s heard her confession but she does not turn her head in fear of seeing disappointment his eyes. “He was supposed to meet me, it was all planned and then, he didn’t, as you know.” Annie closes her eyes and feels her stomach knot remembering what Nona knew and Lorenzo didn’t.
The day Nona found her in the bathroom, her head hung above the white porcelain toilet, when an over ripe banana tripped her senses, was the day Nona understood she was pregnant before she did. “The funny part, well, not so funny, I suppose, is that Nona accused me of cowardice when I said Lorenzo wanted to marry me.”
“Coming between Lorenzo and his Nona was always a perilous experience.”
“She loved me, I thought. Nona taught me the language of food. But when she figured out Lorenzo was the father, she forbade me from telling him what we were doing. I had to say it was my idea if he ever found out.” She stops to think of how she was when Nona insisted it always be their secret. “But I was insistent that Lorenzo meet me that morning, it was my only demand. I thought we could run away if he knew the truth. But she never told him. I never told him.”
“How do you know?” Charlies questions as she turns her head away for the glowing screen to look him in the eye.
“Because, when I was waiting for Lorenzo that morning where Nona told me to wait, he didn’t show up. But Nona did.” She pauses, keeping her eyes focused on Charlie’s, looking at him but her mind lost in a time before. “The bells were just ringing in eight o’clock when I saw her storming toward me on Mass Ave., I had never seen her like that, she was so angry.” Charlie leans forward to take both her hands in his.
“There was so much traffic that morning and she was screaming, or that is how I remember it. She said it was my fault. She said I had seduced her Lorenzo even though I knew he was promised to God. She said she wasn’t going to let Lorenzo be trapped by a woman like his father was. She was so hateful and I just stood there, crying, on the steps of the church.” Annie stops and Charlie allows the silence to sit as she tries to stop the feeling of panic rising in her chest as she remembers that cold winter morning. “Nona handed me an envelope of cash to pay the clinic and then passed me another twenty for a cab. And before she left Nona said, ‘Annie, stop crying. This isn’t such a big deal. You can’t lose what isn’t yours.’ The next thing I really remember is knocking on your office door begging for a ride.”
“You looked so scared I didn’t want to ask any question I just wanted to help.”
“You did.” She leans in and kisses the top of Charlie’s head.
“But I couldn’t save you.”
“It’s not your fault I can’t have children. You drove me to the appointment but it was my decision. I wanted my tubes tied and didn’t care about the future.”
Charlie nods slowly and takes Annie’s hand in his and squeezes. “I saw that.”
“And when you gave me the money to spend that semester abroad that January, I couldn’t get out of Cambridge fast enough. Lorenzo said he would visit, but he never did. And we never talked about any of it. It’s like it never happened.” She sighs and shakes her head. “When I got back I just put my head down and finished school and that summer on the Vineyard, the last thing on my mind was a relationship. I just needed a place to be before getting a real job. I was afraid to move back to Cambridge.” She says with a smile at her dad. “But falling in love with JP saved me in ways I couldn’t imagine, it took me away from the brink of heartbreak. I thought Lorenzo had broken me. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want to hate him. And now, twenty-years later, I like having Lorenzo back in my life and wonder if that makes me crazy.”
“You two were so close and to be honest,” he says quietly deciding his next words with care. “I’m glad I didn’t know because I can’t hurt him now and you seem to have found forgiveness and I’ve messed up enough in this life, we all have our own special crazy, Annie.”
Annie’s heart quickens but she doesn’t move away from her dad. “It takes a strong man to admit his limitations, daddy. You’re still my superman.”
“Appreciate that kid,” he answers. “I’m getting a little tired, can you help me lay down hon.”
As Annie adjusts the pillows behind Charlie’s head and lowers his bed she says, “You know what I messed up, you never had the chance to give me away. That would have been nice.”
“Well if Frenchy guitar-hero comes back to Cambridge maybe you can get married for real, if that’s what you want too. A second chance to get things right.” He feels a small warmth in the center of his chest and is struck by his moment of hope. “I love you Annie McGrath, thank you for coming home.” And as the warmth in his chest spreads out through his limbs he allows himself to fall back to sleep knowing this time he'll find his way home in his dream.